Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
