Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
