I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
All I want is dick and wine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
