Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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