I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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