Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
