he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
