Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
