New low: just hacked my moms facebook
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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