4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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