first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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