No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
