she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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