around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm always down for nudity.
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