My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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