i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
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So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Houston, we have a blender
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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