I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
