I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
