What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
