I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
