He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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