Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I want is dick and wine.
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