I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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