He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
