dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
