Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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