I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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