Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
