my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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