There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
