Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
