I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
