I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
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I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
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I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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