My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize