I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
