so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
