i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
