Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
