Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
