CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
