Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
