when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
