Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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