Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
