No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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