I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
