I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
