Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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