FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
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My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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