i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
