I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
