you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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