I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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