My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just want to make out with him forever
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
