i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
