I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
