why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
