i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
wow bdsm is so cute
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
