I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need