R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All the doctor said was why
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
