i think my tv is drunk
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
